How to Deal With a Stubborn Child

Parenting a stubborn child can be a challenging journey filled with frustrations and emotional hurdles. Understanding the root of stubbornness is key to effective communication and discipline. In this article, we will explore practical strategies that empower parents to foster cooperation and connection. By applying the 3 E’s—Explore, Explain, and Empower—you can navigate difficult moments with empathy and patience. Discover how these effective techniques can transform your parenting approach and help you build a stronger relationship with your child.

Dear Dr Justin,

Please help! We are really struggling with our daughter’s stubbornness. When boundaries are set, she reacts by screaming and outright refusing to listen. When we try to use the Three E’s to understand her perspective and give her some autonomy, she becomes defensive, avoids communication, and says she wants to be left alone.

What else can we do when Explain, Explore, and Empower aren’t working? 

Sincerely, Desperate Parent

Understanding Stubbornness in Children

It’s rare to find a parent who hasn’t experienced the joys and challenges of raising a stubborn child. The irony is, though, that many parents are just as inflexible as their kids, particularly when it comes to challenging behaviour from their children. We don’t like it, and we want it to stop. Now!

Often, when a child is upset, sad, or challenged, their thinking can become inflexible, rigid, or avoidant. As that occurs, you’ll find that they’re not open to hearing what you have to say. Their mindset is fixed, and they cannot be swayed. We say that they’re being “stubborn.”

Desperate Parent, it sounds like this is where you are currently with your child—they have their fingers in their ears, yelling “lalalala” while you try to logically point out where they’ve gone wrong. Your child won’t hear it. They’re convinced that they’re right. They might have been upset, but they are making it clear that they don’t want your help.

This is infuriating for us as parents because we have answers! We can help! We can fix this!

The 3 E’s of Effective Discipline

You may be familiar with my 3 E’s of Effective Discipline (explore, explain, and empower), a process I developed to help parents move towards a need-supportive approach to raising children. It embraces the basic psychological needs of every human: relatedness, competence, and autonomy.

When we explore, we take time to connect—to hear, see, and value our child. Once we understand where our child is struggling, we move on to explain, giving a clear rationale for what we’re asking. Then, we empower them by inviting their ideas on how to move forward, offering gentle collaboration and guidance.

When the 3 E’s Don’t Work: Alternative Strategies

There will be times (as Desperate Parent is experiencing) when it feels like the 3 E’s are just not working! Why? Because this discipline process doesn’t operate on quick ‘fixes’ like the old-school styles.

Help! I’m Stuck at “Explore” With My Stubborn Child!

The pressure points of the 3 E’s (Explain, Explore, Empower) become particularly pronounced when dealing with a stubborn child. 

Firstly, explaining becomes a challenge because a stubborn child often shuts down communication, making it difficult for them to hear your reasoning. They are likely to be defensive, interpreting your explanations as criticism rather than guidance. 

Secondly, exploring options with them can feel like an uphill battle. They resist considering alternatives, firmly convinced that their perspective is the only valid one. This inflexibility can make collaborative problem-solving (the “explore”) seem impossible.

Finally, empowering a stubborn child requires patience and perseverance, as they may view your attempts to give them autonomy as another form of control. The key is to maintain a calm and empathetic stance, creating a safe space where they feel heard and understood. This approach can gradually break down their defensiveness, allowing the principles of Explain, Explore, and Empower to take root.

Tips for Navigating Difficult Conversations

Know that time is your friend. Sometimes it will take weeks or more to get a resolution. Emotions can remain high for a long time. Our kids need time to digest new ideas and work out what they value (this is particularly true for neurodivergent kids). 

Be okay with your child’s discomfort. Accept that, for some children, uncomfortable conversations will always be uncomfortable. There may never be the “right” time. 

Avoid information overload. Be clear in your own mind about what you need to communicate, make a gentle suggestion, and then back away. Arguing the pros and cons back and forth doesn’t help.

Be patient. Sometimes the conversation will need to be broken up into a series of smaller conversations.

Celebrating Small Wins with Your Stubborn Child

Know that you’re probably having a bigger impact than you realise.

Raising a strong-willed child can be tough, but it’s important to remember that their stubbornness can also be a sign of their determination and strength. By approaching these challenging moments with patience, empathy, and a focus on connection, you’re helping to nurture these positive traits. Every small step forward, every moment of understanding, brings you closer to building a stronger, more resilient relationship with your child. 

Trust the process, remembering that “fast is slow, and slow is fast“. You’re not alone in parenting a stubborn child, and with time and persistence, you will see the growth and positive changes you’re working so hard to achieve.

Written by Dr Justin Coulson